THE SEVEN C's of resilience building with teenagers
Seven “Cs” from Building Resilience in Children and Teens courtesy of The American Academy of Pediatrics.
Handout courtesy of Michael Bradley, Ed.D.
As a practicing adolescent psychologist, Doc Mike shares the Seven Cs of Resilience Building with Teenagers, as a quick reference handout for parents.
He encourages you to print a copy to keep handy as refresher to help keep you focused. Click Here to print the PDF file.
The Seven Cs of Resilience Building with Teenagers
#1 - COMPETENCE
Specific ABILITIES/SKILLS to handle situations effectively.
- Must be earned the hard way by getting in the game of life, in winning and especially in losing;
- Acquired through actual experience;
- Helps teens learn to trust their judgments, make responsible choices, and face difficult situations.
COMPETENCE BUILDING jobs for parents:
- Encourage any/all activities, structured or not. Baseball and debate teams are great; so are “useless” rock n’ roll bands and peer support groups.
- Say lots about what they do well; say little as possible about what they do poorly.
- When pointing out a mistake, stay narrow focused: don’t say “you always do this”; instead try “if you had to do over again, what would you do differently?”.
- Don’t lecture with answers; do force thinking with questions.
- Let them make non-lethal mistakes; don’t try to excessively protect them: bad decisions made well (by your kid) are more strengthening than good decisions made poorly (forced by you).
- Don’t compare them to others (especially to sibs).
#2 - CONFIDENCE
Belief in SELF that projects Competence into the future.
CONFIDENCE BUILDING jobs for parents:
- Expect the best: not of achievements, but personal qualities such as fairness, integrity, persistence, and kindness; “I know you’re better than that decision you made.”
- Don’t treat them as stupid; do treat as someone who is learning to navigate the world. Frame mistakes as learning opportunities.
- Praise them often but honestly about specific achievements (“wins”), and even more about good efforts that fail (“losses”).
- Encourage them to push themselves, don’t push them: say “What do you have to lose by trying?” and “How will you feel if you don’t try?” .
- Avoid shame: frame bad decisions as symptoms, not sins.
#3 - CONNECTIONS
The INVISIBLE LIFELINES that build resilience more than any other factor.
CONNECTION BUILDING jobs for parents:
- Promote physical safety and emotional security within the home: avoid fear-based parenting (yelling, ridiculing and punishing). Try respect-based methods (e.g. pre-informed consequences).
- Remind them that you are crazy in love with them especially in conflict, “love you too much to help you to hurt yourself”.
- Be like the mafia: take their failures as business errors, not personal attacks.
- Allow them to express all emotions as long as not abusive: “I understand that you hate me right now. I feel bad for that, but I love you too much to let you do something that can hurt you.”
- Model positive conflict resolution: (“I love you even though we disagree”) vs negative (avoiding/exploding).
- Use consequences (pre-informed outcomes of decisions) vs. punishments (hurting them for being hurtful).
#4 - CHARACTER
WHAT you do when no one is looking.
CHARACTER BUILDING jobs for parents:
- Show how your kid’s behaviors affect other people in good and bad ways as ripples in the pond: “you have no idea how happy you made grandmom when you…”
- Allow them to clarify their own values especially if you disagree: “How the hell can you be a Giants fan?” vs. “Tell me what you love about the Giants”.
- Model the importance of caring for others and what that does for you.
- Demonstrate the importance of community: emphasize how, for better and for worse, we are all connected, and how character makes that connection better: “I love helping out your coach. She’s an incredible lady to give so much of her time. Look at how she cares about your teammates…”
- Help them develop a sense of purpose and meaning in life: “What is this all about, for you?” Give them questions, not answers.
- Proactively stand up to hateful prejudice. Be very clear how you see that stuff.
- Show how you think of others’ needs when making decisions: talk out loud to yourself in front of your kid: “I’d love to play golf today, but mom could really use a break.”
- Share own experiences. “I once did a nice thing and no one knew about it but me. That felt great. It felt less great the more people found out.” (the hero’s dilemma).
#5 - CONTRIBUTION
CHANGING THE WORLD, one pebble at a time.
CONTRIBUTION BUILDING jobs for parents:
- Continually reference the “real world” of people in need vs. the “Disney World” many of us take for granted.
- Model generosity with your own time and money
- Show how we really change the world with one pebble at a time: “That one person we fed today might disagree with you that small acts are pointless.”
- Create opportunities for each child to contribute in some way. Don’t forget the power of a well-placed bribe (e.g. an incentive for working in the homeless shelter); extrinsic rewards can shape intrinsic beliefs when accompanied by thought-provoking questions.
#6 - COPING
The MARTIAL ARTS of resilience.
COPING SKILLS BUILDING jobs for parents:
- Help them with perspective to distinguish life horrors from frustrations (i.e. genocide vs. social rejection): “What is an example of a recent horror in the world? Ok. Now think: Is getting rejected a horror, or a frustration?”
- Model positive coping strategies by narrating your own process: “This feels scary right now, but I know the sun will come up; can’t let my fear make my decisions.”
- Allow some unstructured “wasted” time. Fantasy and playtime build problem solving skills and promote creativity.
- Model the serenity prayer: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
- Model/Narrate (vs. preach) the importance of exercise, nutrition, and adequate sleep: “I feel so much better when I…”
#7 - CONTROL
HOPE in action.
CONTROL BUILDING jobs for parents:
- Show how most things happen as a direct result of someone’s actions and choices.
- Constantly point out their successes (big and small) to remind them that they can succeed. Kids experience much more failure than success.
- Link autonomy with responsibility: “You can earn use of the car by showing emotional control.”
- Use consequences versus punishment. Be the respectful (vs. angry) cop in conflict.
Dr. Michael J. Bradley Adolescent Psychologist
Suite 15-B, 1200 Bustleton Pike Feasterville PA 19053