THE TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR PARENTING ADOLESCENTS
© 2015 Dr. Michael Bradley. Revised 2.14.25. All Rights Reserved. No part of this pamphlet may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form without written permission, except for brief excerpts for educational or non-commercial use.
As a well known psychologist, author & speaker, Doc Mike created these Ten Commandments as an easy to read and quick reference 'manual' for parents.
He encourages you to print a copy to keep handy for when you lose your 'cool'. Click here to print the PDF file.
The Ten Commandments for Parenting Adolescents
#1 - Thou shalt be as the dispassionate cop unto thine own child
All teenagers are nuts to some extent, so don’t take their craziness personally. Like the dispassionate cop who politely gives you tickets, stay calm during crises so that your kid thinks more about theirbehavior than your anger. Show your kid love and strength that they can’t tear down even with provocation.
#2 - Thou shalt listen even as thine own child shouts
Adolescents often say too little and shout too much, but the shouting may be another form of communication. Become tough enough to withstand the yelling and wait it out without interrupting and screaming back. If you can hang on, your kid may finally become calmer and say what really has upset them.
#3 - Thou shalt not shout; speak thou wisely
You know how crazy and out-of-control your kid looks when they’re screaming? You, as the parent, look a lot worse. Losing emotional control means losing respect in the eyes of your teen, something you can’t afford. Speak calmly and quietly in short, non-repetitious sentences, or don’t talk until you’ve regained control. Your yelling back is destructive and only creates a costly diversion from the real issues. Screaming at a screaming adolescent is like putting out small fires with gasoline.
#4 - Thou shalt add 15 minutes to every interaction involving thy teen
Your job is not to control your kid, but to teach your kid how to control themselves. Locking yourself into rigid schedules whenever teens are involved is asking for trouble. Much of what they do can become complex, maddening, and schedule-defying. Provide bumpers or reaction/thinking time for yourself so that your responses are more controlled. Always look to hand off power to your teen.
#5 - Thou shalt remain loving & connected...even while being 'hated' & avoided
Parenting a child is a loving and conflict-based relationship. It’s your job to “ruin” their life at times. In the proper dose, rage-free conflict with parents can be very therapeutic for kids. Don’t let the “business” of parenting ruin the “personal” of caring. Find ways of lovingly connecting with your kids each day especiallywhen times are tough.
#6 - Thou shalt not kill (thou mayest entertain such thoughts, but...)
No hitting. Ever. Hitting teens to make them behave not only teaches them that might makes right, it makes you look weak to them and costs dearly in respect currency. Besides, smacking an adolescent is very much like whacking at an old stick of dynamite. Sometimes it doesn’t explode. But when it does it will demolish everything nearby. Getting physical with an adolescent is playing in their stadium: you’re giving them the “home field advantage.” Don’t go there.
#7 - Thou shalt apologize at every opportunity
To teens, adult apology is strength, not weakness. It is a marvelous tool for teaching humility, self-control, responsibility, compassion, respect, and self-acceptance. It does all these things like a Trojan horse that disables your kid’s built-in lecture deflector. If you preach at your adolescent, they close down. But they’ll sit and listen carefully to messages hidden in the robes of your own admissions of failure. You’ll never look bigger to your teen than when you make yourself smaller.
#8 - Thou shalt honor thy child's identity (even though it maketh you ill)
Green hair and metallic tongues are all windows into that wonderful, horrible, laughable, and frightening adolescent struggle called identity exploration. They’s just trying to figure out who heck they are. As a rule of thumb, the less you fight these things, the shorter they last. Pick your battles wisely and save your ammo for the life-threatening explorations (like drugs). Try and remember how weird you looked to your parents, and what your weirdness meant to you.
#9 - To thine own self be true
Your kid has enough problems. The last thing they need is “cool” parents. They need you to be an unchangingly corny, unhip, and out-or-date dinosaur who holds fast to a strong set of values and ethics in a morally free-falling society. Be like the constant beacon of the lighthouse that stands unchanged above the dangerous seas of the adolescent world to guide your child home to safe waters. Be a parent first, not a friend. They’s got friends. They need parents. Hold onto your values, calmly but firmly. Tell them that you love them too much to allow things that could kill them.
#10 - Know thou, this too shall pass
At times, parenting an adolescent is diapers, it’s root canal, and it’s getting drafted. It can really get messy, it can be quite painful, and it can be very scary. But these things all end, and like with raising teens, mostly everyone survives just fine. Your kid won’t even remember how scary this time was. But you’ll have your paybacks. In not too many years they’ll have kids of their own. Then one day you’ll have to sit their down, make them a cup of strong tea and quietly say, “Honey, I don’t want you to get upset, but there’s something you should know about Johnny now that they’re turning 11…”
Dr. Michael J. Bradley Adolescent Psychologist
Suite 15-B, 1200 Bustleton Pike Feasterville PA 19053