WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW
- Stay calm. There are countless other parents who wish their worst teen problem was homework.
- Know that Mother Nature has safety nets for kids who boot high school (see School Issues Introduction).
- View his avoidance as a symptom, not a sin.
- Know that most homework avoiders are not happy campers, and most homework doers are.
- Know that somewhere inside of him a doer is hiding.
- Try to figure out what keeps that doer away from his desk (fear, depression, learning/organization problem, poor workspace, anger and so on).
- Offer to help or, better yet, to get him help (we adults are amazingly effective with other people’s kids).
- Consider offering incentives which can also become consequences, such as earning (or not earning) computer time, money, and so on (see Bribes/Incentives).
WHAT YOU DON'T DO
- Yell, nag, or threaten (as you’ve seen, those tricks never work).
- Fight bitterly over homework (you can win a battle and lose a war).
- Just quit. Your continued calm concern will take root one day.
- Do homework for him (that only makes him feel worse).
HOW
First, stop doing all you’ve likely been doing (yelling, threatening, nagging) and apologize for having made him feel worse. Get yourself calm by knowing that lots of kids who duck their potential in high school find it in college (and community colleges are great places to learn how to learn). Then do that trick where you hook the adult/doer part of him (“Ross, I hear you when you say that you hate homework and will never, ever do it. I know that’s what most of you feels. But is there a small part of you, perhaps just a 5% part that thinks maybe you should do homework? Yes? OK, can I talk to that Ross for a minute?”) Ask that “doer” kid why he thinks he should do his homework, and keep asking until you get answers reflecting his own belief system, not yours (“Why do YOU think that homework might be good for YOUR life?”) Once he admits that he wants to do well for him, propose some of the steps noted above to help him to get at his real avoidance issue.
Ask the “doer” part of him to push hard only for a short time, perhaps four weeks, to just see how he feels after trying. This helps his task looks less daunting than a total life commitment, and often after two weeks of trying his good feelings about doing his job will keep him keep’in on. If you offer incentives, be sure that they reward his effort (time and energy) and not his outcome (grades). Finally, set up a meeting for you, him, and his teachers to jointly discuss what needs to be done (tutoring, educational testing, doing homework at school, and so on).
If his homework performance stays spotty, see a helper but don’t yell or nag. But don’t quit on him either. Softly revisit this with him from time to time since time is on your side (see ADOLESCENT BRAIN DEVELOPMENT and ADOLESCENT PSYCHOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENT). Tell him that you are always there to help him if/when he decides it’s time to get out of the dugout and take a shot in that batter’s box. Softly remind him that no one in the history of the game ever got a hit without stepping into the box.
WHY
You must stay cool or your rage can trigger power and control struggles and give him additional reasons to not do his homework. Plus, your anger and his subsequent feelings of rejection can lead you to be reading other sections of this book about crises far worse than homework.
All kids want to achieve, so view his reluctance as a sign of another problem you must ferret out and then try to remedy. For example what parents often see as “lazy” is just a cover for kids who think it’s less painful to flunk themselves (by not trying) than to get flunked after having tried. But just like that baseball player who’s too scared to get up to bat, your kid will never see if he can get a hit until he takes some swings.
And you never know what kind of coaching he needs until someone analyzes his swing. So your immediate goal is to get your kid into that batter’s box, not to get a hit but to just take a few swings.
Want to Learn More?
Contact Dr. Bradley to discuss creating a program tailor-made for your specific needs and check out these informational sources:
The Homework Myth
by Alfie Kohn (Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2006)
Yes, Your Parents ARE Crazy!
by Michael J. Bradley (Harbor Press, 2004)
Suite 15-B, 1200 Bustleton Pike Feasterville PA 19053
Dr. Michael J. Bradley Adolescent Psychologist
Suite 15-B, 1200 Bustleton Pike Feasterville PA 19053
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